Blasphemy prejudice angst unjust irrational hatred greed rage malicious

Burning screaming running blinding unknowing confusing fighting resisting losing

Joy bliss content free helpful needed nurtured  

Floating wandering wondering questioning calming transcending bubbling loving

Wanting assisting finding gaining welcoming winning

I wanted to deviate from studying for awhile, so I decided to put my self into a few situations and see what emotions came up in my mind. This is the path they took.


That guy…

I like to generally think of myself as an all around good guy…although I know that I’m not a saint or anything. Everyone has their moments where they may be…well not the best they can be. Nobody is perfect.

Yet, for some reason, certain people seem to automatically just think of me as “that guy”. Maybe they didn’t get the first impression I wanted them to. Maybe they saw me do something stupid when I first saw them. But why do they always have to use me to blame for all their problems? Did I do something to offend them? I wish they would let me know if I did.

I know that sometimes I can be socially awkward. I don’t know why I act this way. It is kind of random…because around certain groups of people I am really outgoing and energetic. Yet, around other groups of people I just freeze. I think it has to do with meeting people individually or as a group. When I first came to college a few years ago I met some people one-on-one, and they ended up being my best friends. Yet, when I joined drumline I somehow went from the high-school me, the very confident and social me, to the hi-sorry-if-I-bother-you-not-talking-much-antisocial-but-not-wanting-to-be me… Frankly, that me sucks. Maybe I was intimidated by all of the great drummers and socially advanced people. I’m still not sure. All I know is that I wish I had a different relationship with these people. I wish they met me as the real me. The me with all the odd quirks and mistakes, but the real me. Not this malfunctioning me that still came with a few mistakes. Just not the right mistakes…

Of course I know I can’t change the way people think about me. Maybe things will be different next year. But still…it would be nice to not have to be “that guy”. It would be nice to just be Philip. To have people excited to see me. To have people know who I really am. Whatever happened to the me I want them to have known? I guess change really is the only thing constant in life.


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